One of the common causes of unhappiness is not making deliberate choices about important aspects of our lives. Many people find themselves settling for what they get, continuing on without acting when they feel dissatisfied. The biggest problem is that they don't spend time thinking about what is truly important to them or what they genuinely want. Without this crucial self-reflection, they lack clarity of thought. Living without this clarity and failing to make intentional choices makes life harder and more frustrating.
Identify That There Is a Choice to Be Made
Often, due to societal conditioning or our own idealistic conditioning, we don't see other options. Society sets certain expectations and norms about how we should live, what success looks like, or what we should value. Additionally, we often have our own set of beliefs and ideals that shape our perception of choices. This can make us feel like there is only one path to follow.
For example, you might feel pressured to follow a traditional career path because that's what society deems successful. Or you might believe that you need to stay in your hometown because that's what your family expects.
We can start seeing more options by challenging these conditioned beliefs. Ask yourself:
What would I choose if societal expectations didn't matter?
What are other people in different cultures or communities doing?
Is there a way to combine my needs with my desires?
By questioning these ingrained beliefs, we can begin to see a wider array of possibilities and make more deliberate choices.
For example, Instead of sticking with a job you dislike because it's the norm, consider alternative career paths, remote work, or starting your own business. This shift in perspective can open up new opportunities that align more closely with your true desires.
Develop Clarity of Thought About the Topic
Once you recognize that you have choices, choosing among them requires your own clarity of thought. In a world filled with diverse opinions, it can be challenging to make decisions without a clear understanding of your own beliefs and values. For example, some people might say you need to earn a lot of money to be happy, while others argue that you should prioritize experiences over material wealth. Both are very valid perspectives. And when you don’t know what you think is important to you, you tend to sway in all directions by relying on opinions coming from everywhere except within yourself. Without your own clear perspective, you won’t make a confident choice that you like to live with.
To develop this clarity of thought, dedicate regular time for self-reflection. For instance, set aside 30 minutes each morning to think deeply about various topics. Begin with broad questions such as:
What is happiness?
What is my passion?
Is money important to me?
What do I value the most in life?
Initially, you might not have clear answers to these questions, and that's okay. The process of thinking about them regularly will gradually bring clarity. Writing down your thoughts can be particularly helpful. As you revisit these topics over days, weeks, and even years, you'll start to see patterns and gain insights.
Suppose you're trying to figure out if money is important to you. On the first day, you might simply note that you need money for basic needs. Over time, you might realize that while money is necessary, you value experiences and relationships more and you want to balance both. This nuanced understanding can guide your career and lifestyle choices more effectively.
Spending time on these reflections helps in making decisions that are thoughtful rather than reactive or situational. When you have clarity of thought, decision-making becomes more confident and easier. Life feels less burdensome because your choices are intentional and aligned with your true values.
By committing to this practice of self-thought, you'll find that, over time, your decision-making improves, and you experience greater ease and satisfaction in life.
Be Fluid, But Not Indecisive
Your opinion about a topic can and will change over time. Be open to this change. Holding on to a fixed notion can hurt you. A new experience can add a new dimension to your thoughts, changing your opinion. This is being fluid, not indecisive.
For example, you might initially decide to pursue a particular hobby because it seems interesting. Over time, you might find it doesn't bring you as much joy as you thought. It's okay to change your mind and try something else. This isn't being indecisive; it's being fluid.
Unlocking Happiness with Self-Thought
When you make a deliberate choice, life won't feel as hard. For any decision, there will be multiple paths, each with its own challenges. None of them are easy, but when YOU make a deliberate choice, the chosen path won't trouble you as much.
For example, If you see someone managing a busy career, a family, and their health, you might think they have some special ability. In reality, they've made a deliberate choice to balance these aspects of their life. While it's tough, they can handle it because they've chosen this path intentionally.
In all the small and big things in life, being deliberate and intentional about your choices with self-thought leads to happiness. It will be hard to do whatever you choose, but you won't be unhappy about life.
Parenting: Early Years
As parents, we can help our kids develop self thought and intentionality from early years. As early as 4 years of age, don't make all the decisions for them. Show them two options, explain the pros and cons, and let them choose. Even if they make a bad choice, it's not the end of the world. For instance, let them decide whether to eat an extra piece of chocolate. This small practice of self-thought will help them later in life.
When they become teenagers, they'll be more likely to come to you for advice if they've been encouraged to think and make decisions for themselves earlier. If you constantly made decisions for them, they'll likely resist your guidance in their teens.
Teen years are hard because they are trying to find their identity, which can conflict with the identity they've lived thus far. As a parent, you can ease this by letting your child develop and being a supportive partner in that process. They should feel comfortable coming to you to brainstorm about a topic.